Scouting FAQ and guide because to many of you dont seem to quite get it. Feel free to ask further questions here and I will add them to the list if they are good enough. I will answer all of them regardless.

First the 3 fundamental rules of scouting.
1. DO NOT ASK TO BE SCOUTED! ANYWHERE! EVER!
2. Only accept scout requests from users who you don't think will be pruned.
3. DO NOT ASK TO BE SCOUTED!

Q. What is Scouting?
It is a system implemented in the NG art portal that lets users decide who is allowed to post art in the portal. Only scouted users can submit art to the portal. All users can submit work to their user page though, and anyone can see the work (assuming they visit your user page), even if its not marked for the portal.

Q. How do I scout people?
First you have to be scouted. Then you can find any user who has at least 4 pieces that you feel is good enough for the art portal and send them a scout request. You can send 4 scout requests a day, if someone rejects your request you will be granted another one for that day.

Q. How do I get Scouted?
First, make good art, people will notice you if you are good. You must have at least 4 pieces to get scouted. When someone wants to scout you, you will be sent a request via PM. You can then choose to accept or deny their request.

Q. Can I get requests from multiple people?
Yes. Pick the one you like. Make sure its an artist you feel wont get pruned though.

Q. Pruned? Whats that?
Its when an artist is removed from the art portal, when this happens any one who they have scouted will be pruned along with them. Think of it like a tree branch, anything supported by that branch gets knocked off with it.

Q. When I've been pruned, can I be re-scouted?
Yes.

Q. What would make me get pruned?
Submitting rule breaking work, or not having good enough work.

Q.It says my scouting privileges have been taken away? What gives?
You have been 'castrated'.

Q. What the hell is 'castrated'?
Its a term the mods use for when they remove a users scouting privileges. You get castrated by scouting users who break the rules, or have bad work. Sometimes all it takes is one user under you to cause you to get castrated. It depends on what their infraction was. If you scout an obvious thief, or someone who submits real porn chances are you will get castrated. It might take scouting a few users with bad art to get you castrated though. When you are castrated you are still allowed to submit work and be in the portal, you will also keep any good scouts you may have had.

Q. Will I ever get my privileges back?
Depends on how bad you were at scouting. Contact a mod for more details on your castration.

Q. I have 4 submissions, but I'm not getting scouted, whats up with that?
Either your work isn't good enough, or you haven't marked the submissions as public (viewable in the art portal) Only public marked submissions count towards the 4 you need to get scouted.

Q. How do I mark work as public?
When you submit a piece, there is a box towards the bottom, check it.

Q. This scouting system seems flawed, art is to varied to be considered good enough.
The system has a few bugs here and there, but its not flawed. Any user who is scouted that can see the unscouted section will see how much bad art the system keeps out of the portal. As for good art being a matter of opinion, yes its true everyone has different tastes, but we are trying to make the overall quality of the art portal be far above that of most other art showcases, so we try to have only the best work up.

Q. Ok, I've been scouted, and I can see a list of recommended users? What is this list?
Its a list of users who have the most recommendations to be scouted. HOWEVER just because they are on this list doesn't mean they are good scouting candidates. It is merely a slightly helpful list of people you might have missed in the unscouted section. The list updates about every day or so. If you are scouted you will have to use up your scout requests for that day in order to recommend users.

Q.How do I recommend users?
Anyone can recommend a user for the art portal, doesn't matter how many pieces they have. All you have to do is click the recommend user button on their art page. If they get enough recommendations and are eligible for scouting they will be added to that list. You can only recommend a user once, but you can recommend as many users a day as you want.

Remember, feel free to PM any art mod if you have questions about the art portal, but make sure its not one that is answered in the rules or in this list.

A decision has been made for what I will draw on my famous paper.

The person who's idea was picked randomly out of a hat is....SevenSeize... and her abstract black and white patterns idea.

This normally isn't my style at all so its going to be interesting to try something abstract for a change.

Sorry this took so long. Lot of stuff to do and vacations and shit.

Probably not exactly what everyone was expecting but hey, I don't normally do abstract stuff for a reason. I tried to just turn my mind off and just go with it, but the problem is that whenever I attempt automatic drawing or doodling all i do is end up drawing value scales and tree stumps.....

--SUGGESTIONS OVER!--

Recently I acquired some rather unique paper. In one of my classes, through connections provided by the professor, we were given a small sheet of some really heavy duty paper and told to have at it. This paper is a scrap from a sheet used by artist Frank Stella. Its about 800 lbs paper, thick as hell, and Franks own custom specifications. The amount I have left to work on is about 3 x 5 inches.

This shit was apparently so expensive and worth enough that my prof wouldn't tell us its value, for fear that we wouldn't do any work on it. Well I've done the required work on it and now have some leftover.

HERE IS WHERE YOU COME IN

Tell me what to draw on it. Deadline is July 15. At that point I will take all the suggestions, put them into a hat, and pick a winner at random. YOU CAN SUGGEST ANYTHING. My only hope is that you guys can be somewhat creative.

I will be ignoring repeated ideas. This is because I am expecting a blizzard of "draw a penis" suggestions and only counting one of the 75 that are sure to come makes it fair for the rest of the ideas.

Feel free to make multiple suggestions though. Each person isn't limited to one. I'll only ignore repeated ideas. So if your idea was used, modify it slightly and voila!

AND GO!

Recently (or more like since the dawn on the internet) there has been a slew of threads, posts, reviews, movies, objects, things, stuffs, doohickies, whatchamahumdinger, and just general shit that has more than once raised the question in my head "Which is sadder? ________ or _______"

So finally I feel to no longer keep these questions to myself. From this point on I will be posting shit as I see it (in the long tradition of that act on the internet) presenting to the world, "What's sadder?"

Lets start.

THREAD SYNOPSIS
A lady friend comes over to the house of an NG user to visit his brother
---WHAT'S SADDER?---
The fact that this user felt it was necessary to let the world know that his brother has girls over? A perfectly natural thing for any male who isn't a complete shit fail of a virgin.
OR
The responses from the other users denying that such an occurrence can actually happen and will refuse to believe it until they see pics, something only shit fail virgins would do.....

THREAD SYNOPSIS
Users life goal is to work at McDonalds to pay for braces then join the army so he can get killed.
---WHAT'S SADDER?---
The fact that people like the OP actually exist.
OR
The fact that being on the internet has shown me people like this can possibly exsist making it difficult for me to tell if he is serious or not.

THREAD SYNOPSIS
User makes a humorous topic about his dad using his George Foreman grill, and makes it seem like his dad was fucking his girlfriend instead.
---WHAT'S SADDER?---
That after reading the first post and seeing a pic, many people still didn't get it.
OR
Even when it was pointed out many many times that it was a joke, people still didn't get it.

THREAD SYNOPSIS
OP wants to make fan fiction hentai, but is worried about copyright issues.
---WHAT'S SADDER?---
The OP believes that hentai artists are worried about getting sued for copyright infringement (rule 34 anyone?)
OR
The fact that the OP actually WANTS to make fan fiction hentai, and belives that his crappy 3 year old style drawings will warrant the attention of the original creators.
OR
studio-nightbirds post in the thread.

THREAD SYNOPSIS
OP wants a help shaving his pubes.
---WHAT'S SADDER?---
The fact that the OP wants a guide on how to shave his pubes.
OR
Nothing.

THREAD SYNOPSIS
User makes a thread posting his class schedule
---WHAT'S SADDER?---
That he posted his class schedule
OR
That he somehow expects people to have classes with him when no other info is provided

More to come as these events occur..... which sadly will be often.

LISTEN UP FUCKERS!!

GO HERE AND FUCKING LEARN SOMETHING YOU FUCKING FUCKS!!

pretty please?

Kumkle frunk magunk
(this was done to nudge that huge ass list off my page, what an eye sore)

This is for the religious atheist poll thread and shows the users and their gender, age, and affiliation. If your name is on the list and you want something changed, PM me or leave a comment.
R= Religious, A= Atheist, G = Agnostic
User - sex, age, preference.
Page 1
Taime- M, 17, A
Ben- M, 19, A
Shaun- M, 21, A
Electronika- M, 17, G
legendarysim- M, 17, A
KillMoochie- M, 17, R
Lost-Chances- M, 17, A
ornery-scotsman- M, 21, A
JohnnyWang- M, 20, A
poop- M, ?, G
deleted-3- M, 17, G
m4ilm4n- M, 19, A
Eudaimonism- M, 15, G
Deleted user- ?, ?, R
Enoll- M, 21, G
CathaI- M, 16, R
Siggy0501- M, 15, G
Popbrain1- M, 19, R
gambit-boi- M, 23, G
Casualty- M, 17, A
Jossos- F, ?, G
CM- M, 17, A
HeartbreakHoldout- M, 18, R
Megalomanic- M, 17, G
indirect00- M, 23, A
WillPostForFood- M, 17, A
Dopefish- M, 23, R
FailGrounds- F, ?, G
Massacre-Akp- M, 21, G
Page 2
Maxxor- M, 17, A
Revenant- M, 19, G
Mrputter- M, 17, R
Kashisti- F, ?, G
JackRabbitStudios- M, 19, R
Lagtag- M, 17, R
Fire- M, 16, R
seventy-one- M, 15, R
RedCoin- M, 17, A
scottmale24- M, 19, R
zzazzman- M, 21, A
LadyGrace- F, 24, R
Robotussin- M, 17, G
Vicious-Demise- F, 15, A
WickedClown17- M, 17, R
DeadKraz- M, 20, R
Damian- M, 16, R
Saint-Seanus- M, 18, G
ShadzKing- M, 15, R
deus-ex-machina- M, 16, R
AnzRage- ?, 21, R
Ezgamer- M, 16, R
Flak-1- M, 16, A
Xtesh- M, 17, R
Shootem-up- M, 18, R
Page 3
Jinzoa- M, 18, G
harrjarry- M, 15, R
blinddragon- M, 21, R
Trampalite- M, 19, A
XannyBarz- M, 18, A
Pre-K-Prostitute- M, 17, R
GunCrave- M, 19, G
Grammer- M, 19, R
Elfer- M, 19, G
DeathMoth- M, 16, G
TITROTU- M, 18, R
Shagge- M, 14, G
2good2b4goten- M, 17. A
Adam- M, ?, R
Moral-Man- M, ?, R
Khao- M, 17, A
That-Is-Bull- M, 16, A
Hobo-Assassin- M, 17, G
AbsurdRandomness- M, ? R
HotActionYiffFur- M, 19, R
Hi-dud- M, 17, A
Kurofelis- M, 14, R
Page 4
MattTheParanoidKat- M, 18, A
The-Narrator- M, 17, R
Confound-Mind- M, 16, R
Oppugnant- M, 17, A
CountPoopoo- M, ?, A
Grubby- M, 13, R
DtKnight- M, 21, A
Lagerkapo- M, 18, A
ScRiPt-KiDdiE- M, 27, R
ZeroAsALimit- M, 21, G
NickScott- M, 14, A
Altered-Beast- M, 14, A
Heinrich- M, ?, R
DrKilledByDeath87- M, 20, G
capn-g- M, 32, R
Violent-LJ- M, 17, R
TheRadicalOne- M, 17, R
adifferentlight- M, 21, A
Cajunspirit- M, 19, R
Page 5
RampantBunnyLove- F, 19, A
BumFodder- M, ?, R
macbookpro- M, 19, G
Me-Patch- M, 20, R
Dark6- M, 18, G
Mr-Contradiction- M, 20, A
Molotov- M, 20, R
SouthAsian- M, 17, R
Warrickneff- M, 19, R
DeadBolt- M, 16, G
Funkchiken- M, 15, G
Minion777- M, 17, R
Jesus-X- M, ?, R
Hamslice- M, 17, G
Redbob86- M, 21, R
Samurai- M, 14, R
Perj- M, 21, A
Draciel56- M, 17, R
SlashFirestorm- M, 22, A
Page 6
Idiotechie- M, 19, G
forsterbar- M, 22, R
soadsod- M, 19, R
Esn- M, 19, A
mrdurgan- M, 17, G
N-Joe- M, 16, G
blueberryhavik- M, ?, R
Ghost-Ryder- M, 15, R
WawaneesA- F, 20, R
AntiEverythingGoon- M, 19, R
Page 7
hukedunfonikswork- M, 19, G
Hectasist- M, 17, A
metalstorm- M, 20, G
Joodah- M, 17, R
Nicko9y- M, 17, R
1nn0cent- M, 19, R
Deaths-Legion- M, 17, G
MRED- M, 18, R
Fung-Lei- M, 21, A
Guitardude- M, 19, R
StoneGuy- M, 25, G
TheDoctor- F, 27, R
Deleted user- ?, ?, G
D13Daniel- M, 16, R
jacktherack- M, 16, A
boloneyman- M, 17, G
PillowInYourFace- M, 15, R
Sense-Offender- M, 18, R
Black-Flame- M, 15, G
PirateKirby- M, 17, R
BFG-Nine-Thousand- M, 18, R
Page 8
MortifiedPenguins- M, 21, R
Pinkasaurus- M, 16, G
kinzu- M, ?, R
Freakish-Beast- M, 20, R
JoeisCooler- M, 20, A
hippl5- M, ?, A
MoonClock- M, 15, R
LoadedBum- M, 15, A
Ryugin- M, 17, G
Connor- M, 15, G
PatrickMajewski- M, 21, R
ricksterx00- M, ?, A
hongkongexpress- M, ?, R
Dauss- M, 16, A
TheSovereign- M, ?, A
Deadly-Shadow- M, 15, A
CHRlST- M, ?, R
anonymous08- M, 17, R
Bolo- M, 18, A
Idiosyncratic- M, 19, R
Dobio- M, 22, R
SenorPresidente- M, 19, A
SkullScar- M, 16, R
RedSkelton- M, 25, A
Page 9
TheRat- M, 17, R
biblboasdzc- F, 16, R
Xmas-Bound-Pervert- M, 15, A
esko-man- M, 17, R
SCG- M, 17, R
Kaworu-Ikari- M, 15, R
Rigormort1s- M, 16, A
yurgenburgen- M, 20, A
TheMakeoutHobo- M, 17, G
MagnumPrimers- M, 15, R
Cole- M, 15, R
Splurgle- M, 15, A
Gwarfan- M, 17, G
TheyWillRise- M, 18, R
KyleTheMadcap- M, 15, G
Idiot-Finder- M, 20, R
DJ-Ravecore- M, 17, R
LardLord- M, ?, A
POOPIES- M, 13, A
Gabe- M, 17, A
TheSnowMonster- M, 21, A
Page 10
Togukawa- M, 22, G
NobGoblin- F, 19, G
cmssmc- M, 18, R
Tancrisism- M, 18, A
Speshilkay- M, 13, A
SardonicSamurai- M, 20, A
Apollo- M, 23, R
Wastelander- M, 25, G
Janus- M, 28, G
Flirp- M, 19, A
Siiike- M, 20, A
MiddleFingerRings- M, 15, G
alexsmolik- M, 20, A
Darkagentx- M, 20, G
TheSoulReaper- M, 21, R
Deleted User- ?, ?, R
GreenCard- M, 16, G
ibhenowflee- M, 15, R
TropicalParadise- F, ?, R
0Metal0- M, 16, A
Sensationalism- F, 20, A
Page 11
7887-tabs- M, 15, R
Satyriasis- M, 21, R
RobbyBlaze- M, 17, G
Sarai- F, 28, R
ChriZZu- M, 15, A
AdamRice- M, 18, G
AtomicTerrorist- M, 18, R
TailsPrower- M, 16, R
Jeffaro- M, 15, A
Bovineoverlord- F, 14, R
NoobsKillingNoobs- M, 14, R
Snakemaster-13- M, 14, A
Deadly- M, 16, A
Jose- M, 21, A
Kamron- M, ?, G
the-kraminator- M, 15, A
YungJazz- M, 17, R
StephanosGnomon- M, 24, R
Legend45- M, 18, R
Xurch- M, 18, A
johnfn- M, ?, A
Archkronos- M, 22, A
Page 12
azn-vink- M, 19, A
Orange- M, 17, A
TheChaosDemon- M, 18, G
inclusivedisjunction- M, 19, A
Thewests- M, 14, G
Spackerchip- M, 17, G
NeoSoviet- F, 18, A
TheCrazyPotato- M, 16, G
Grimfenix- M, 14, R
TheSoulMan- M, 17, A
Powerage- M, 21, G
thelordofcheese- M, 26, G
RobotTaco- M, 15, G
un-l337-1- M, ?, R
CapnCrunchDaPimp- M, 15, R
Raped- M, 16, R
Jehad- M, 15, R
Horrigan- M, 17, A
ForcedDJ- M, 16, R
American-Rubbish- M, 16, A
Page 13
Hellraiser- M, 17, A
XchaosXlinux- M, 14, A
JackPhantasm- M, 20, G
Geohunter- M, 15, R
SadisticSatisfaction- M, 16, R
Monkey-Kong- M, ?, R
Aivi- ?, ?, A
LolNinjers- M, 15, R
Brick-top- M, 18, G
VeinDigger- M, 13, A
Mitok- M, 16, A
Ulven- M, 20, A
Ursiruss- M, 18, R
ClowntjeGoorlap- M, 17, A
Git- M, 17, G
AtomicPotato- M, 16, G
StealthBeast- M, 17, R
theGodlyOne- M, 17, R
djmrules- M, 17, G
Lost-Thought- M, 17, R
Tisbad- M, ?, A
DearonElensar- M, 20, R
Page 14
EnconXV- M, 17, A
deafeningsilence5- M, 16, A
Hellian00- M, 16, R
Bendo- M, 15, R
PBass- M, 17, R
holmzito- M, ?, A
LuigiBot- F, 17, R
Kuro- M, 16. A
LinkSFG- M, ?, G
Jakspeed- M, 18. G
MissingNYC- M, 27, A
Shawtey- M, 21, R
TheCrook- M, 15, A
Mr-Coffee- M, 17, A
Krykos- M, 18, G
intrinsik2- M, 14. G
Afromaster- M, 14, R
Kaabi- M, 16, A
TheDepthsofHell- M, 17, A
HellSpawn- M, ?, A
Page 15
Vavix- M, 17, A
Eoewe- M, 23, A
chasemanjansen- M, 16, R
Zen-Zinxe- M, 16, R
AngryBanana- M, 15, G
SadisticMonkey- M, 16, R
DarkArchon- M, 23, G
thomtomw- M, 19, G
PunkyboyBen- M, 16, A
MadMax- M, 17, G
Karvman- M, 15, A
AnoxiaSan- F, 20, G
DarklordMike545- M, 17, R
AdamJack- M, 18, G
strumpy- M, 14 R
Nathrukh- M, 19, A
J3bus- M, 18, A
ClarktheCanadian- M, ?, A
The-evil-bucket- M, 27, A
Eggy- M, 18, A
Syzyde- M, ?, R
Jin- M, 18, A
Page 16
Xipp- M, 14, A
Zerok- M, 21, R
itsflemz- M, 16, R
Aceton- M, 15, G
videogamer0810- M, 19, G
skreetch- M, 13, A
WarpedHunter- M, 16, R
pie101- M, 15, A
Misterbones- M, ?, R
Akula- M, 16, R
TacticalShoe- M, 19, R
Darkside7000- M, 16, G
Yookji- M, 16, A
CoolGoat- M, 14, R
urbanred- M, ?, A
TERMINATORINNC- M, 21, R
TheCriminalDuder- M, 17, R
Serphyas- M, 19, G
Page 17
KillerCRS- M, 14, R
Inferno42- M, 23, R
unowned- M, ?, R
Ss2-teen-gohan-Ss2- M, 17, G
kRaZyAzN- M, ?, G
Gagsy- F, 20, A
Jamie- M, 16, R
ValenceElectron- M, ?, G
superratso- M, 20, R
jadedragon57- M, 15, A
Drakim- M, 19, A
1031- F, ?, G
PhoenixGodwin- M, 17, A
Corky-D- M, ?, G
sk8a-guy-thing- M, 13, A
KILLATHEISTS,- M, ?, R
spite-skater- M, 18, R
Torrunt- M, 15, A
Sterance- M, 20, R
Page 18
SugarQmuffin69- M, 16, G
Ceti- M, 15, G
JarrodK- M, ?, R
p0psz- M, 19, R
macio- M, 13, R
risbolla- M, ?, R
Cuppa-LettuceNog- M, 18, G
Michaelas10- M, ?, A
Whirlguy- M, 18, R
KingOfBBQ- M, 19, G
Kygore612- M, 18, A
troyster590- M, 16. A
NeonFlame126- M, 13, A
Page 19
captainchaos03- M, 15, A
Ziggy-Stardust- M, 23, A
Phratt- M, ?, G
ClockworkTrashcan- M, 16, G
gregaaron89- M, 18, G
OPIUMSKUM- M, 16, A
Flared24- M, ?, A
Helicopterz- F, ?, A
xSalladx- M, 15, A
EpicFail- M, 15, R
sweet-tooth-pico-fan- M, 18, A
dark-fox- M, 21, R
rezic- M, 17, R
iceman17171700- M, 15, R
Eggys- M, 17, R
undeadcl0wn-4- M, 15, R
El-Duego- M, 14, G
flubeca- M, 13, G
VenusDoom- M, 15, R
Page 20
andhination- M ,14, G
Erikio- M, 17, A
lightning- M, 20, A
Shadow-1409- M, 17, A
aldlv- M, 18, R
Icecry0- M, 13, G
Zege- M, ?, R
erathoniel- M, ?, R
HahaBears- M, 15, R
PirateClock- M, 20, A
Wimpestguytolive- M, ?, A
Centurion-Ryan- M, 13, R
guy777- M, 15, R
SeraphimFalling- M, ?, R
TheBoard- M, 15, A
Charon- M, 20, A
TacoFreak- M, 13, R
ouchichi- M, 18, A
DrBucktooth- M, 16, G
dragoop- M, 14, R
Jimtopia- M, 18, R
gamerdakota- M, ?, R
BaronVonBadGuy- M, 23, R
Crazyhobo51- M, 21, A
TheGodfather- M, 15, G
Kbomb13- M, 15, G
Page 21
GoatFactory- M, 16, G
notice- M, ?, R
killingrang- M, 15, G
alternativesolution- F, 15, R
l2-ushxxx- M, 18, R
Obsessed117- M, 15, G
Another-User- M, 15, G
Eltro2kneo- M, 15, A
ZyklonB- M, 19, G
Randy74- M, 18, R
pwroftheseagoat- M, 25, G
overratedsanity - M, 18, R
MikeRomanul- M, 16, R
Gahjirra- M, ?, R
mechapilot58th- M, 25, R
xports- M, 16, R
stroshi- M, ?, R
TJoyal- M, 15, R
ChickenReaper- M, 13, R
willobeen - M, 13, A
Natron888- M, 14, R
Flak - M, 17, A
Magical-Zorse- M, 14, R
Maverick-Alex- M, 16, R
Page 22
omfgmyballs- M, ?, A
Krayon- M, 17, R
reveihca- M, 34, R
ParadoxVoid- M, 17, R
DeadWorld777- M, 21, R
Overtired- M, 23, A
aListers- M, 16, G
CVJX- M, 13, R
AllReligiousDrunk- F, ?, A
Chymo- M, 16, A
Haynesyb0y- M, 15, G
Jackie-Knife-Juggler- M, 16, R
ebubekir- M, ?, R
Achilles2- M, 15, G
Mendou- M, 18, G
Tykwa- M, 20, A
Vousielle- M, 19, A
Ajax478- M, 17, A
Robojester- M, 14, G
dalmo- M, 15, R
Not In Thread
SaltshakerClock- M, ?, R
ExtraTim- M, 17, R
Coop83- M, 25, G
iscrulz- M, 26, R
MuffDiver102- M, 20, A
MeatMachine- M, 16, A
PinballWizard976- M, 15, R
Z-Sector- M, 16, R
ngmastah- M, 13, A
mrwinneranimator- M, 15, A

Sorry for not posting anything new for a while, been really busy and kinda not in the mood to type up psudeo-intresting accounts of my job (like anyone reads this crap anyway).

So in light of nothing of outstanding intrest happening recently that wouldnt sound like mindless blog whining gossip about people no one will ever meet, I present to you.....the following filler material on the elements of a pet store.

Customers - Anyone in retail will tell you the same thing, "the customer is always right, even when they are wrong." What they mean is not that if the customer says 1+1 = 57 that they are correct. They really mean that the customer will spend their money however they want to, and you cant tell them no, or that they are being retarded. In a pet store however the customer is quite frequently wrong, and you will politley let them know that the purchase they are about to make, or the information they have heard is inaccurate. A common example is that the customer will often want to buy various rawhide products for their puppy, and not know that rawhide is undigestible to a young pup and will create a ball in their stomach and kill them. So we simply tell them that its not a good idea and explain why, and they still insist on buying it we sell it to them. Now only an imbecile will buy something after you tell them that it will kill their dog, but sadly a good 97% of our customers are complete dunderheads, ergo the following subsection...
Stupid Customer Questions
"Do you have any hamster eggs?"
"So these dogs are twin siblings? Cool, are they from the same breeder?"
"Do you sell dogs" (the first thing you see when you walk through the door is 20 some kennels, filled with dogs, I repsonded yes to this question, the customer then turned to her husband "they dont sell dogs, lets go")
"What would the punishment be if you had sex with your dog?"
"So you say this snake only eats toads, could i feed it a mouse?"
The most common stupid customer comments are normaly along the lines of these
"how much/ how old is this dog" (we have signs on each cage showing the birthdate and price of each dog, its fine if they have never been in the store before and didnt notice the sign, but most of the time they ask this AFTER I have pointed the sign out, they will repeat the same question on the dog in the adjacent kennel)
"you have a cat loose" (we have at least 15 signs strewn about the store saying that our store cat 'knuckles' lives in the store, two of these signs are eye level as you walk in)
"That *insert animal* is dead" (we always reply with "no its sleeping" but they insist its dead and start accusing us of animal abuse, so we go over to the cage, open it and immeadiatly the animal springs up in excitement. The customer then claps "awww wow it was just sleeping, but it looked dead, good thing it isnt")

Animals
Dogs
The dogs are the bread and butter of the store (because they cost wayyyyy to much, but amazingly people buy them quite often). They are cute fuckers who each have a personality that will eventually piss you off when you work with them, but you cant help but love them. Most of the time the dogs are in and out of the store in about a week or two, but some of them have been there for months which isnt a good thing. Occasionaly some die randomly but its pretty rare. We take good care of them and keep their cages as clean as possible. Their are two pairs of dogs in particular however that I wouldnt mind just giving away because they are so irratating. The first pair is a rat terrier and toy fox terrier who i have nicknamed....
"The Shizea Twins". They are the raunchyest, most depraved, disgusting, debauched dogs I have ever encountered. When they are alone they are fine well behaved playful little love bugs, but when they are in their kennel together they are just plain sick. They always wait for customers to walk infront of the kennel before doing anything, their favorite activity being rampant humping of one another (both are male, but humping is a sign of dominance not sexuality so its not gay). Their other activities include, drinking and bathing in each others urine, eating shit, and eating shit as it comes out of the ass of the other then turning around and licking the shit off of their companions face. I love having to explain their hobbies to little children who make up most of the audience.
The other pair is a pair of beagles, brother and sister, who have the most fucking irratating bark on this big green earth, and they bark constantly. So much so that they often loose their voice, with forces us to put them in the back till they regain it because we arent allowed to sell sick dogs. So they have been at the store for way to long.
Reptiles and Fish
The reptiles are pretty badass. We have a giant iguana up front, and some little ones next to him. We have a variety of snakes, lizards, amphibians and turtles. Not many people buy reptiles and they really dont do anything annoying. Those who do buy reptiles tend to be punk ass college age kids who thing that owning a 12 foot snake will get them laid or something, but fail to realise that it takes YEARS for a snake to get that long, and making them survive the first year or two is a rather hard. The fish are useless and no one even notices them because they are really boring and stupid and boring and boring and boring and boring.....zzzzzzz
Birds
The birds are just messy and noisy, but kinda fun to fuck with.
Small Animals
Hamsters and gerbils, rabbits and guinea pigs, ferrets and chinchillas. All fun fuzzy animals who love to bite. Littel kids get a kick out of these and always want to see them, but cant because everytime we let one hold an animal they almost squeeze the thing to death or drop it and then freak out and I have to chase it around the store for 10 minutes.
Cats
We dont get kittens in often now that the owners wife is preggers (cats can cause miscarrages and birth defects if they hang around pregnant women to much). But normaly they come in scarred shitless and are sold within 3-4 days.
Feeder Animals
We probably make most of our daily money off of feeder animals. Mice, Rats, Fish, and Crickets. We get shipments in on wednesday and are normaly out of all feeders except maybe fish by the following monday. Yet every week the same couple inbred rednecks come in on tuesday "got any *insert feeder animal*" we always tell them the same thing "no we are out, tuesday is a bad day to come in because we are always out by then, we get them in on wednesday" to which they reply "oh ok, ill come back in next tuesday then"...... wow

I might elaborate later on a few of the animals but now Im bored of typing so deal with it.

Nothing happened today. I got to work and all maintence stuff was done, which means that only mindless busywork tasks are available. Shit like alphabetizing the dog books, which I discovered, that regardless of the breed the book says it is about, each book is exactly the fucking same. What good is a book on Pug dental care when they show pictures of Great Danes. It would be like an instructional manual explaing how tools work, then describing a hammer but displaying a screwdriver.

Anyway I set the minions about their mindless tasks (cleaning beta fish, clipping dingle berries, picking dirt from under places) and proceeded to think of more mindless tasks while they currently worked on their current ones (god im a mean manager).
NOW FOR THE INTRESTING PART
About 2 weeks ago some bright twit was cleaning the feeder rat cages and lost one of the rats in the process. We have a store cat who lives for mistakes like these, he baisically kills any escaped animal. However he has trouble killing large or jumbo rats (these things can be about 12-14 inches without tail, and can weigh about 3-4 pounds) so normaly if one of them gets out we try much harder to find him before a customer sees him.
For two weeks we have spotted and nearly caught this escaped rat (a large rat who is about 9 inches long sans tail and maybe weighs a pound) who we have for some reason named "wayne".
Wayne has been spotted and escaped capture at least 4 times since his escape 2 weeks ago.
Earlier today, as laurie was cleaning out the back room (in which she found the source of the smell back there, about 20 grates covered in shit that were shoved behind a door that cant be opened anymore) when she spotted wayne. She was fast enough to grab him and actually had him by the tail and was transporting him back to the feeder cages when..... his tail begins to fall off......
He is a fucking rat, their tails are normaly pretty well atached, unlike lizards. So she does what any idiot does, freaks out and tosses him away.... right at some customers.... who thank god had their backs turned and didnt notice the one pound flying rat that crash landed 6 inches behind them, then ran under some shelves.
As I was closing I saw him run across the floor being followed by the store cat and bolt under a display shelf where there is nowhere to go. Upon seeing this I jump clear over the counter, flatten myself on the floor and start trying to coax him into a corner where capture will be easier... but the fucker is gone, vanished, disapeered, another word for gone...
The best part is that we have cameras that overlook the register, im sure Rob is going to give me hell for my acrobatics.... oh well.

As promised, here is the first of what is hopefully many entries to come about my job.

I suppose I should start with an intro to get things started. I work at a private owned local pet store, so we take pretty decent care of our animals in comparison to those big corporate mega giants like petsmart or petco.
We carry pretty much any pet you would care to have. Reptiles, birds, spiders, scorpions, dogs, cats, rodents, ferrets, you name it we probably sell it (within reason, no monkies or any wierd shit like that). I have been working there for about a month and a half and half already been made manager.

TODAY I GOT SHAT ON
The day started pretty shitty. I got to work early expecting to get shit done before the typical morning rush. We have a tradition that the lowest ranking person (IE newest) has to do dogs. What that means is baisically this.
We have about 16 or so dog kennels that need cleaning each morning. This involves shoveling out piss soaked wood chips and scrapping dog shit off the ceiling of the kennel (the dogs like to play and fling their shit all about the cage). Since its normaly the shittiest job (hahaha pun) we reserve it for the lowest ranking person, it also takes really long.
However today I opened and was told we were having a new girl come in who was already trained on how to do the dogs, so i said i would wait a few minutes for her to show up. 10 minutes pass and she isnt arriving and the dogs are getting antsy and flinging shitty woodchips all over the place. Marsha has already started doing other maintinence tasks and Laurie is complaining that she has an eye problem and cant be near woodchips. So im stuck doing dogs. I finish in about an hour which is pretty damn fast. As im finishing new girl arrives and spends the rest of the day being a stupid teenager bimbo girl avoiding all assinged work i give her.
NOW FOR THE INTRESTING PART
We have in our store a huge fucking Iguana. He is about 5 foot 6 with tail and weighs about 25 pounds. He is in a big ass cage right in fron tof the store, and it still amazes me the number of fucking twits that dont see him. Honestly how do you miss something that big sitting in a 6 foot glass cage right when you walk in. Anyway on nice sunny days when all maintinence is done I sometimes will take the iguana, "Carl" , outside into the courtyard of the shopping center we are in to get some real sunlight. He fucking loves his real sunlight. Sometimes I even walk around the grocery store next door with him and freak people out but he gets cold and starts scratching the living daylights out of me. So today its nice out, so I muscle him out of his cage (when a huge iguana dosent want to be taken out of his cage, its like pulling teeth out of a shark, he scratches and thrashes about but once you get him out he is fine) and take him outside. I can immeadiatly feel him relax and calm down and loosen his death grip on my throat which he seems to love having (he has 1.5 inch nails that are pretty fucking sharp, so I try to avoid his feet near my jugular, but sadly he is most comfortable in that position). I get the usual oohs and ahhss from people walking by when all of the sudden *PPPPBBBTTTSHLIBBBTRT* he unleashes a stinky hot explosions of shit, piss, and whatever other ungodly fluids come out of a defecating iguana, all over me. Im drenched in iguana guano and dont have a change of clothes. Now iguanas are vegetarians so thank god all the solids were just plant fiber, but it takes them a good 3 minutes to really finish shitting. So i need to stand out there with a 25 pound reptile who is launching torrential downpours of liquidy white/clear/mauve funk juice all over me. When he is done realiving himself i take him back him stick him back in his cage, swear he has a big accomplished grin on his face, and head for the bathroom before anyone sees me. I end up having to soak my shirt in the sink with dishwashing soap and wring it dry, then use reptile heat lamps to dry it off.
I spent most of the day in a soggy shirt, but only one person commented on it and I said i had a problem filling one of the fish tanks.

Fucking Iguana, I swear he planned the whole thing.